Someone once told me I was wired for doubt.

And I believed them. 

Part of what my life has revolved around is reassessing and demanding truth. Meaning, I question everything. I question why the grass is green and the sky is blue. And if it’s really even blue or if our perception is just that its blue. I question how I perceive things and how I interpret it, always fact checking myself and forcing others to verify their own realities.It’s part of what makes me write…the quest to know what’s real and if truth even exists outside of our personal perception of it. My findings seemingly point to truth as an entirely perceptual experience.

Anyway, I believed them. Lil’ ol’ me just over here with my doubt wires. Could we call me Mrs. Doubt-wires? Get it? Like Mrs. Doubtfire?. I began to view myself as a negative person, an imposter of positivity, a total poser. I felt vulnerable, exposed, and like a fraud. But then I realized, my doubt is a necessity. It's a gift. I was gifted the ability to question everything as to not falsely believe. I was gifted the need to question, as to demand truth out of the Universe, the books, the research, and the people around me. I have a very special ability to have someone hand me a truth and not just blankly accept it because it sounds good in the moment. 

So maybe I can be doubtful…but, saying I'm wired for doubt is blatantly neglecting my balancing qualities. You see, I’m also fiercely wired for hope. I used to think hope was spiritual but hope is a cognitive process. Hope requires intentionally believing in a positive outcome. Hope demands you see the best in people or situations. Hope requires surpassing rough moments to know deep down there’s a way to move through them and out of them.Hope is power. Hope is transformative. And sometimes, so is doubt. You heard me correctly. Sometimes doubt is intuition telling you something is super wrong, even if you can’t put your finger on it. And you must listen. You must ask the hard question, what isn’t right here? And even more importantly, how can I change it or my perception of it? 

We are all conflicting dualities. Multiple parts shoved into one. We are believers and doubters. Blessings and curses. The light and the dark. Good times and hard times. We are a mixture of experiences shoved into one small package. Look closely at what parts of you come out and when and with who. Let it guide you and tell you what you need to know about yourself in that moment and the experience at hand. 

Even our perceived flaws have use, they have purpose in helping us define who we are in the world and our roles in people’s lives.I’m a truth seeker. A doubter. A believer. Built with hell fire and hope. And you? You’re all the things, too. You’re every contradictory and that’s ok. The world needs your contradictories, your flaws, your truths. Own it all. Every single part. 

And most importantly, never let someone hand you a piece of you and make you feel bad about it. Don’t keep peeps in your tribe like that. Get the ones that challenge you but love you through and through. The ones that don’t just comment on the areas where you’re failing but also regularly show up as your cheer squad, your private pep rally. Those ones. Seek them. Keep them. They exist, I promise.

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